The First Time
by Tracy-Lou
Summary: Brendan considers his time with Stephen and his real feelings for him.


Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they belong to Hollyoaks!

Summary: Brendan considers his time with Stephen and his real feelings for him.

A/N: This is kind of a summary fic, about Brendan and Ste's relationship so far. Enjoy!

The First Time

It had been a busy couple of weeks for Brendan Brady. Months even. First he had gotten himself involved with…_Stephen. _Nothing complicated. Just a bit of sex, a bit of fun. Or so he thought. It wasn't long until he started to feel…attached. Stephen's so vulnerable, so small. He's exactly Brendan's type. Brendan couldn't help himself, the first time he saw him. That skinny frame with the dirty blonde hair and not to mention that perfect arse.

Brendan contained himself for a while though. He tried to gauge Stephen's feelings for him, if he had any. Then Rae came along and Brendan simply couldn't help destroying them one step at a time. It was almost too easy. Brendan loved that look that Stephen got every time he looked at him, filled with awe and wonder, as though Brendan was some Godly creature put on this earth to make everything better. Brendan missed that look. He shook himself and took another swig of his whiskey, savouring the burn at the back of his throat. It didn't do him any good to dwell on such things. But when he was alone like this, with only his own thoughts for company he couldn't help it.

Brendan felt his mind wandering back to that first kiss. Stephen had taken control, and Brendan hadn't liked it. He had shouted at him, sent him away in disgust. Secretly he was glad; it proved that Stephen felt something for him and he could use that to his advantage. The next day things were awkward, Stephen was uncomfortable. Brendan enjoyed watching him squirm. He put him out of his misery however when he followed him down to the cellar and kissed him. He wanted to leave his mark, make the kiss something that Stephen would never forget, and would leave him wanting even more.

But Stephen had ruined it. He'd tried to take control again, and Brendan didn't like it. He'd punched him. Right in the gut. Stephen had doubled over, pain in his eyes and tears streaming down his cheeks. His perfect face. Brendan had felt revolted. At Stephen, at himself. He'd taken Stephen to the hospital that day; Stephen could hardly look at him. He flinched every time Brendan touched him. Brendan couldn't blame him. He was grateful when he lied for him to Cheryl. But in a twisted way it gave him pleasure and in the back of his mind he knew he had that kind of power over him.

Stephen stayed out of his way and Brendan found himself becoming angrier. He'd gone to Stephen's house. Seeing the fear in his eyes had softened him, made him reconsider his anger. He'd kissed him, so gently. Normally Brendan didn't do gentle. He did rough, animal, deep and emotionless enough that the men he was with didn't get too attached to him. Stephen was different though. He made Brendan feel different.

They had sex for the first time that night. Brendan wasn't a monster. They'd cuddled afterwards and he liked it. It felt almost normal. Things had progressed from there. Then Amy had to stick her nose in. Brendan didn't appreciate someone knowing his secret, especially her. She was pleased for them was she? Brendan would make her rethink that assessment. He'd hit Stephen again for that and he'd buckled. He didn't understand _why. _Neither did Brendan really.

Stephen had avoided him for a while but it wasn't long until Brendan won him over again. After the fire he began to feel a change. What had once been pure sex and desire had changed into something else. Want. Need. Affection. Brendan found himself wanting to take care of the boy, wanting him to look at him the way he used to and not full of accusations and anger.

Once the truth had came out things had gone relatively back to normal. Brendan was happy for Stephen to continue seeing Rae; she was a good cover for them. He ignored any twinges of jealousy, brushed them aside like he tried to with most feelings he didn't understand. It was easy to love family, love his boys, love Cheryl. Stephen was different. He couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud. He couldn't _love _him. He'd been close before, with Vinnie, but this was different.

Brendan didn't hit Stephen again but he almost did on numerous occasions. Something about the boy just made him snap, lose control. He started to feel Stephen slipping away from him. He could hardly bear it. Stephen just had to keep pushing him, pushing him into that…gay bar. He clearly wasn't ready, couldn't he see that? Things had quietened down after that. Brendan had left, he'd run away. How manly of him that was, to run away from his secret male lover.

When he returned Danny had made an appearance. He pushed Brendan too far, with hints at Brendan's secret life, his time with Vinnie. Poor lad. But then Danny really did go too far, he threatened Stephen. He'd done it before and Brendan had played it cool whilst inside he was seething with rage. What right did this man have to come here and threaten Stephen?

Brendan couldn't bear the thought of anyone laying their hands on Stephen and he'd finally crossed that line. That unforgivable line. Murder. There was no going back. Brendan had tried contacting Stephen but it was all to no avail. He blocked his calls, he avoided him at work. Brendan was grateful that he turned up at all. The day after he murdered Danny he very nearly ran at Stephen when he walked into the bar and grabbed him and never let him go. He'd wanted to, so badly. But Stephen was still angry with him for deserting him and gave him the silent treatment.

Eventually he found his way back to him though. His blood had boiled seeing Stephen in that alleyway with Warren. He wouldn't have him getting involved with that idiot. It was bad enough Warren was dating his sister. When they kissed again, Brendan had felt like he'd finally come home. It was passionate, it was intense and Brendan loved every single minute of it.

It didn't last though. Amy made sure of that. Brendan brought it on himself really, he was the one who had told Stephen to get a girlfriend; he just wished Stephen had been more careful. Had he never heard of birth control? Regardless, Brendan knew what he had to do. Not only was Stephen going to do the right thing and stick by Rae, he needed to stay away from Brendan. He was dangerous, no good. He didn't deserve to be loved by anyone. Not by Stephen.

When Stephen had said those words he'd felt himself crumble. He'd kissed him back, he couldn't help himself. He'd wanted one last reminder of him, one last taste. Now he was alone with only Mitzeee to preoccupy him. He missed him desperately but he never let it show. He wasn't going to let his guard down again like he had with that final kiss. He couldn't admit it to himself but he'd fallen for the boy. Hard. It was unmistakeable, terrifying and completely and utterly heartbreaking.

He didn't want to let him go but he knew he had to. He just hoped his resolve would hold. One look from him, one hint of a reconciliation and he'd be tempted to try again. If nothing else to make Stephen look that way at him again, the way he had, the first time.


End file.
